The Perfect Restaurant Food

Over the years, I’ve been asked many times by my readers: What’s the best food option when dining out?

Well today, I’m pleased to report that I finally have a definitive answer for you.

Now, you know I am a fan of cooking from scratch, but I also recognize that we live in the real world – and even the most die-hard health-nuts of us need to eat out every so often.  So I’ve been searching high and low for the answer to this question for many, many years. I’ve surveyed the entire retail food landscape. From school lunches to movie theaters to four-Michelin-star restaurants, I’ve seen – and eaten – it all.

And now, after all this work, I believe I’ve finally found the answer to this previously unanswerable question: 

The Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme®!

Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme

These savory, cross-branded, whole-grain tacos aren’t just ¡muy delicioso! – they’re the tacos that nature would eat if nature ate tacos!

It’s rare to find such crunchy beauties that have just 200 calories and only 370 mg of sodium – and with just two grams of sugar!  And with all the MSG in both the “shell” and the “beef,” there’s plenty of Umami to keep you satisfied for at least thirty or forty minutes until your next meal.

As any red-blooded American will tell you, more is always better – and these tacos certainly pack a lot into each delightfully crispy shell. Don’t believe me? Here’s the impressively satisfying ingredient list in just the taco shell:

Ground Corn Treated With Lime, Vegetable Oil (Sunflower, Canola, Corn, and/or Soybean Oil), Water, And Less Than 2% Of The Following: Corn Flour, Maltodextrin, Salt, Cheddar Cheese (Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes), Whey, Monosodium Glutamate, Buttermilk, Romano Cheese (Part-Skim Cow’s Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes), Whey Protein Concentrate, Onion Powder, Corn Oil, Corn Flour, Disodium Phosphate, Natural And Artificial Flavor, Dextrose, Tomato Powder, Lactose, Spices, Artificial Color (FD&C Yellow No. 6, Caramel Color, FD&C Yellow No. 5, FD&C Red No. 40, Extractives Of Tumeric, Extractives of Annatto), Lactic Acid, Citric Acid, Sugar, Garlic Powder, Nonfat Milk, Red and Green Bell Pepper Powder, Disodium Inosinate, Disodium Guanylate, TBHQ (Preservative).

And that’s just the shell!!  Let’s add in the flavor-filled, seasoned beef:

Beef, Water, Seasoning [Cellulose, Chili Pepper, Onion Powder, Salt, Oats (Contains Wheat), Maltodextrin (Corn, Potato, Tapioca), Soy Lecithin, Tomato Powder, Sugar, Soybean Oil, Sea Salt, Yeast Extract (Contains Gluten), Spices, Garlic Powder, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Disodium Inosinate, Disodium Guanylate, Potassium Chloride, Cocoa Powder Processed with Alkali, Natural And Artificial Flavors, Trehalose, Modified Corn Starch, Inactivated Yeast, Lactic Acid, Torula Yeast, Natural Smoke Flavor], Salt, Sodium Phosphate, Less Than 2% Beef Broth, Potassium Phosphate, Potassium Lactate.

Of course, no taco is complete without a creamy dollop of reduced-fat sour cream (don’t worry, they may have taken away the fat, but they gave us plenty of other stuff to make up for it!):

Milk, Cream, Modified Corn Starch, Lactic Acid, Maltodextrin, Gelatin, Modified Tapioca Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate (A Preservative), Natural And Artificial Flavor, Guar Gum, Mono & Diglycerides, Locust Bean Gum, Carrageenan, Vitamin A.

Add it all up, and you’ve got more than 60 mouth-watering ingredients to enjoy! And all those ingredients can mean only one thing: These babies are so hard to digest and take so long for your system to process that there’s no spike in your blood sugar levels! So these tacos are a “supreme” choice for diabetics, too!

So go on, America!  Enjoy your fourth meal and keep your blood-sugar under control. And then why not, have a fifth-meal, too. You deserve it.

…and one more thing: April Fools!  I’m just kidding; these things aren’t even real food.

A photo of Andrew Wilder leaning into the frame and smiling, hovering over mixing bowls in the kitchen.

Welcome to Eating Rules!

Hi! My name is Andrew Wilder, and I think healthy eating doesn’t have to suck. With just three simple eating rules, we'll kickstart your journey into the delicious and vibrant world of unprocessed food.

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34 Comments
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Harry
April 1, 2013 8:26 pm

I just discovered your blog TODAY, of all days. Good eating with a healthy sense of humor…I love it! I’ll be back. (Of course, until I got to the end of that post, I was thinking “I WON’T be back” lol…)

Rachel
April 1, 2013 2:41 pm

Oh my goodness. I almost believed this and was about to unsubscribe until I read “These babies are so hard to digest and take so long for your system to process that there’s no spike in your blood sugar levels!”
Then, I thoroughly enjoyed this article lol. HILARIOUS!

Michelle
April 1, 2013 12:37 pm

I got the email much earlier today and actually opened it to read more (which is rare for me) because I have the hardest time ordering at restaurants. I glanced at the taco and fully believed the post was real but quickly closed the dissapointing thing in disgust. Just now, hours later, it dawned on me that I had been fooled. I had to visit the blog to let you know you got me good. What a relief that you haven’t totally lost it! I hope you do a real post on restaurant order ing soon ….

Ramona
April 1, 2013 11:48 am

Whew! for a second there I was wondered if you had accepted a corporate sponsorship of some sort but it just didn’t ring true based on your work! Good one and isn’t it great to have a solid reputation that makes people wonder if something just doesn’t ring true based on what we know about you?

It was fun!

April 1, 2013 11:47 am

this is MY new food find as well – I cannot get enough of them and already had three for breakfast this morning! (then I napped in a stupor at my desk until about an hour ago…)

thanks for the smile this morning – good one! 😉

Bonnie K.
April 1, 2013 11:42 am

It took me a few seconds. LOL Happy April Fool’s Day to you.

John P
April 1, 2013 11:39 am

My brain circuitry went haywire there for a few moments and I think my mouth was agape. Then the date hit me. Good one Andrew!

Jeanne
April 1, 2013 11:23 am

Ha! LOL—you had me going for a bit!

April 1, 2013 10:41 am

LOL!!! This. Is. Awesome.

Lisa H
April 1, 2013 10:39 am

Bahaha! You really had me for a minute! I thought either this website has gone to hell or Taco Bell had found a clever marketing scheme and hijacked my email. I was about to delete my subscription for a second there! Lol good prank!